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3 Problems that are likely to arise between Couples while staying indoors

1. One partner might be secretly or overtly disgruntled about the frequency or content of lovemaking, leading to resentment or lack of enthusiasm for other aspects of living together. In straight couples, I’ve seen this more in m…









1. One partner might be secretly or overtly disgruntled about the frequency or content of lovemaking, leading to resentment or lack of enthusiasm for other aspects of living together. In straight couples, I’ve seen this more in men than in women, partly because of the way men are typically hard-wired, and partly because of the different roles men and women adopt or are assigned in many marriages. In gay couples, too, though, there’s often one person who wants to have sex more frequently than the other.


Indeed, the great friction in all couples, in my opinion, is that the other person, being a person, is a constant source of frustration and entropy, because you can imagine your partner doing exactly what you would like and of course it doesn’t happen that way. If you don’t actively appreciate being married to a human and not a robot, you can build up quite a lot of resentment. Still, the person who wants sex more often needs a strategy for getting sexual needs and desires met, while the other person needs a strategy for meeting the partner’s needs that doesn’t feel like a capitulation.




2. One of the role divisions that lead to men wanting sex more than women has to do with parenting. Even in feminist-informed marriages, nursing mothers get involved with babies in a way that fathers just can’t. Beyond that, deep societal expectations can lead mothers to spend more time with their kids than fathers do. And children are simply not sexy for the vast majority of adults, analogous in their way to funerals, bodily fluids, and tearjerkers. It’s not just that their presence is a wet blanket; it’s also that the role you’re in when you are with children is anti-sexy. You’re all about their needs, and your own get put on hold for so long that it’s not always easy to access them when you get the chance.


3. Many couples’ sexual problems stem from their difficulties discussing the subject. They grew up in families that made the subject taboo or “unnecessary.” They don’t see sex as a key part of life, and they don’t see romance and marriage as sexual institutions. Indeed, one of the key motivations against gay marriage is that gay marriage constitutes an overt claim that sex matters. If it didn’t, who would go to all that trouble? When you read Freud and his constant insistence on the importance of sex in human psychology, it’s easy to forget that much of America is as Victorian today as Europe was then. One consequence of this sexual reticence is that a partner can feel as self-conscious and as  vulnerable to being “shot down” suggesting sex to the spouse as the partner felt when single. This leads to intense feelings of betrayal and rejection.

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